The Ecstasy of experiencing the "I Am"

Once, I asked Chadwick, “Are you realized?” I have put this question to all of the old devotees like Muruganar, Cohen, Osborne, Sadhu Natanananda, Devaraja Mudaliar and others. None of them either said yes or no - all smiled. When I asked him whether he was realized, he did not say yes or no.
Instead, he told me, “I will tell you what happened. After many years of my stay with Bhagavan - four or five years, I committed the mistake of trying to evaluate how much I have progressed spiritually. This is a thing any seeker should not do. I felt that I have not progressed. Many who saw me in Ramanasramam, looked at me like I was a sage or a saint saying, „Oh! He is so fortunate. He is so close to Bhagavan. He meditates so much. He is already in that state.‟ 

This created a contradiction in me as I personally felt that I was not progressing spiritually. However, having left the material life I could not go back to a worldly life either. I felt caught between the devil and the deep sea. I was sorrow stricken. I ran to Bhagavan‟s hall. He was alone. I told him, „Bhagavan, this is my plight. I am neither here nor there and this causes much sorrow in me.‟ Bhagavan looked at me compassionately and said, „Chadwick, who says all this?‟

Immediately, there was a current like shock in my body and I literally ran to my room, shut the doors and went into a neutral state. I was not bothered whether I was spiritually maturing or whether I would be able to stay in the world. I was in a neutral state of silence. A few days passed like that wherein I was neither happy nor worried.”

The only luxury that Chadwick allowed himself was taking his bath in a bath tub which he had in the verandah of his cottage. One day, shortly after the above incident, something happened unexpectedly. As Chadwick told me later, “I was taking my bath and very honestly Ganesan, I was not in a spiritual state or in a prayerful mood when it suddenly dawned - the „I AM‟!” He experienced it - not just as words. He was so ecstatic that he did not even dry himself. He just wrapped a towel around his waist and ran to the Old Hall from where a few days back he had run away.

Fortunately, this time too, Bhagavan was alone. In this spiritual ecstasy of experiencing the „I AM‟, where there was no Chadwick, just the „I AM‟, he asked Bhagavan, “Bhagavan, is THIS it?” Chadwick recounted, “Bhagavan gave me the most glorious smile, and then confirmed, „Yes, Chadwick, THIS is THAT!‟ I then asked him, „Bhagavan, is it so simple?‟ Bhagavan replied, „Yes it is that simple.‟ Since then, I‟ve never had any doubt.”
Ramana Periya Puranam